Laziness or apprehension?

You know, I have started so many drafts for my varied 'blogs lately, that I have filled up a 512mb flash drive with drivel that I have deemed unfit for public display. None of it is likely to see the light of day because I either don't follow through and complete them or I am truly unable not to censor the events as I see them. They come across as watered down remnants of what actually happened.

This is because I know I tend to be opinionated - I just tend to play my emotions close to the hip whenever possible so as not to offend - so I edit it and dilute it to keep from pointing fingers and embarrassing anyone. I'm not the type to generally tell strangers that my sex life is great, that I have multiple lovers, hemorrhoids have limited my social interaction or that I am generally more interested in the baseball game on tonight more than my sig-other(s).

The last time I aired my dirty laundry on a 'blog I was left feeling just 'dirty' and unfulfilled because the others involved also aired events (in a cascading effect that involved so many people that I'm not quite sure had any real vested interest in the events) that I should rather have resolved in person – or at least via telephone – instead of via internationally broadcasting them like we were the Osbournes. I somehow still have the image of myself stumbling around on crutches yelling "Sharon!" for some reason.

Still, I look deeply into the events in my life and wonder if they are significant enough to waste the bandwidth of others. I am apparently still uncomfortable with announcing my actions via print - electronic or physical - and having the world comment, advise or snigger behind my electronic back afterwards.

What makes this any different? I mean, I have listened to - and ignored - advise from many people in my lifetime. Haven't we all?

Is it fear of perceived or actual projection of weakness? Maybe, but considering that I am well above the average age of a 'blogger these days, it could stem from a need to express myself, yet maintain some bit of anonymity.

So, here I sit, by my computer staring at the screen and realizing that when it comes to expressing myself, I actually don't have much to say.

Currently Playing: [ Nat King Cole : Stardust ]